Crib, Crib, Crib.......

It turns out that life is so miserable for me right now, that I cannot even begin to talk about it. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction. I have already heard of two deaths in my family within a span of a couple of days between them and my dear grandmother was hospitalized for a hip fracture on the same day of one of the deaths. She is not doing great either, with cancerous cells spreading rapidly, not sparing even her cerebellum. My academics and health are taking a turn for the worse by the day, and I am not doing what I came here to do. My so called pet project of doing research in the area of sustainable construction blew up right on take-off, just like the Challenger disaster of 1986. Now I am indulged in some mundane boring work, which I don't even like doing, to be very frank. People around me are not helping either, with their sly remarks and their thoughts on how I am leading a comfortable life. Is this what I signed up for? Is this what I came here for, to the "Land of Opportunities"? I did learn of a lot of things about this country, about how people do not have an ounce of responsibility in terms of savings, how the medical system is extremely flawed et al. The list can just go on and on. I am feeling claustrophobic here and I know very well that I am borrowing somebody's words. My health is not helping me think straight and sometimes, I stare away into space for a long time. I can't seem to remember events that have occurred a few minutes ago, equations and math come by with great difficulty. I walk with a lot of pain and have a bad shoulder... In short, I am an unhealthy, defective human being. This is not me... I was a sucker for math and I could remember numbers with ease. I lead a beggar's life here, scavenging for things. This is a far cry from the life I used to lead back home. My appearance has changed since I came here, looking malnourished and disheveled. Is it really worth leading such a miserable life? After reading this, some people might point out that I am not the only one with all these problems and I should look outwards... To all of them, I just don't care, I don't give a damn, to be very frank. You can ridicule me all you want, I really don't care. Tears flow involuntarily when I think of home, a place where I cannot even think of going... I think sometimes that I should just let go of everything, but I have got myself caught in this web of problems.... The biggest problem that I have, according to me, is that I try to do almost everything with the support/advice of people close to me. I do not find their presence when it is needed the most. In my friends words, which ring true... everybody is alone here... DO NOT try and lead a life with the support of your friends or relatives, it does not work.... In hindsight, are these words true? I don't speak to my friends, or people close to me frequently and I feel lonely... I don't have anybody to talk to, and I increasingly get the feeling that all of them are distancing themselves from me...

Anyways, that's that, my life. I hate myself for coming here... My apologies for the people whom I have troubled all this while, including the time that they have spent reading this post.

Will he...? Won't he....?

Life has always been nerve racking for me. Things sort of work out in the last moment, and everything has to get down to the wire. Same was the case when I learned of my employment in a large multi-national corporation or admission into the Masters program at a prestigious US university. More recently, the suspense with respect to my so called research project has been never-ending and the professor in charge is not making things easier. No sign of any assistantship positions in the horizon either. I wonder, why can't things be a lot easier? Is it too much to ask for?